Moment of Cogency v1.0

"Hanging on to every word you speak, because it's all that I need. Hanging on to every word you say, to light up my way. Even every little whisper I'm hanging on as if it were my life, I'm hanging on."

That's the chorus to a Britt Nicole song that I just listened to as we just finished up a really busy week here at the incubator for theological students. We studied the Pastoral Epistles on Monday, had 3.5 hours of lecture on Calvinism/Arminianism on Wednesday, and listened to 2 hours on Hebrews today. All while trying to write an 8 page paper on limited/definite atonement which was due today (my choice). I listen to that song as I process this week, pending conversations, and the coming trip to Chicago, and I realized that I don't believe a word of that song. I got up at 5:15 this morning to exercise; while I was in the middle of running, I realized that I'm wasting my life. I haven't been in the Scriptures to get to know God for months. I have not been hanging on every word He speaks. I've been just floating along, not affecting the kingdom or spreading the gospel. I'm wasting my life. My freshman year of college is almost over. I will be home for my first college summer in 50 days. I have not done anything to pour into other peoples' lives, I've just taken for myself and expected MOUNDS of grace and LOADS of service. This has all culminated in today's realization that I am not furthering the kingdom with my life and pursuing recognition to be seen and praised by men.

I'm just tired. I'm getting really sick of pursuing things that make me feel good and scrape hours, days, weeks, months, years off of my life, and I just need to grow up. The only problem is, the more of the onus that I put on myself to just grow up and dress for action like a man, the more I fail and get more miserable. What do you know, I guess I'm seeing that the gospel really is true after all.. To put it in worldly terms, I feel like I'm having a pre-mid-life crisis. I see friends that are playing college basketball, and I want to play college basketball. I see friends that are in a relationship, and I want a girlfriend. I see married couples that are learning the intricacies of living together and having little babies, and I want to get married and have kids. I know in my mind that those things are not for me right now, but I still want them all. The problem is that I see God's calling for my life as being something much more than that. I am gaining clarity on what I honestly can see God doing in me; but at the same time, I have such an aversion to pursuing excellence in those areas. I feel the draw to the world and to worldly things, but they are so transient! I just can't see myself totally pursuing worldly things, because it just seems like SUCH a worthless waste of time. I'm almost 20, and I haven't done anything with myself to present to God when I get to heaven. Maybe that's the point. Sometimes I think I never do enough, sometimes I think I try too hard and don't just rest in what God has done. I get jealous and sad about the fact that I can't sing like Putnam, play guitar like Thom, play basketball like Fields, make friends like Gerstl, think and read like Griffith, teach like Rigney, or love people like Schmitter.

I've hit the wall. I can't really find the energy to keep trying to run through. It's too hard. I have no self-control. I go on food binges of eating a whole box of Hot Tamales and another box of Milk Duds.. In the same day. I'm breaking down... but


Deus Spes Nostra