Dating and Relationships: The List

Dating. Courting. Intentional Friendship. These words and phrases refer to an exclusive, more-than-friends type of interplay between two individuals. I do not plan on squabbling over superiority of terms here, and I personally have no preference for any them myself. However, what I do see is that this is one of the hottest conversation topics for most people from 15 (or younger)-married.

I believe that these issues of dating, relationships, marriage-talk, and the related subjects that are so widely discussed (especially in Christianity today) should be actively engaged in a way that does not spell out the singularly correct way to approach these things, because they are never black and white. There will always be those really strange situations that work and those really strange situations that end miserably; but in the end, all of them must be considered and worked through on their own merits.

God takes marriage incredibly seriously. The lens through which we see these crucially important issues must be colored with the Gospel, the promulgation of the glory of God, and good solid experiential wisdom. What I intend to do in this post and others is to share what is on my mind and heart concerning appropriate ways to pursue dating and relationships. Some posts may be focused a little bit more on the men, others on the women, but I hope that everyone can be challenged and encouraged no matter what topic in particular is engaged.

For this post, I wanted to share a few thoughts on the infamous and ubiquitous "List". Many of these thoughts came from a conversation with a good friend of mine who is currently engaged and sees these issues with great perspicuity, and I am sure they will be helpful for you as they have been for me.
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We all have experience with lists. Either we have had them, currently have them, or will have them at some point in the future. This list of which I speak is the one that outlines the things that are the most relevant to the quest for a partner. While I do recognize that the respective lists of males and females will be different, I would venture to say that most Christian lists look something like this, but with a few personal things thrown in as dictated by general changes in life circumstance and mood swings:

1. Loves Jesus, or Goes To Church, or Seems To Have Knowledge of God
2. Physically Attractive (this one can't be first, because we all know that's shallow...... riiiiiiiight)
3. Shared Life Goals
4. Shared Common Interest: Music, Athletics, Art, Hobbies
5. Funny (some value this more than others)

Here's the question: have you ever met anyone that totally satisfies your list?

It sounds/feels/looks great when you find the guy/girl of your dreams based on these lists, but think about it this way- what would happen if you found out that a person you really enjoy being with and are interested in really likes you, but not because they enjoy just hanging out and talking, but because you simply fit their list?

If you consider the implications of that statement, you very well might feel like something is off. I propose to you that your feeling of off-ness is justified. If potential-spouse evaluation is based on an arbitrary list of criteria, the person who fits/does not fit the criteria seems to be more of a subject in a scientific test rather than a living, breathing, dynamic individual that has thoughts, feelings, emotions, and a life of their own. 

If you base your interests purely on whether or not someone meets the standard, you are looking for a product, not a person. I hope that the majority of relationships are not this way, but if someone tries to find their happiness in a product rather than a person, I have two things to say: 1) you are using them to get what you think you need for yourself, and 2) you will be sadly disappointed every single time. 

I understand that God prepares our paths and we need to answer His call to ministry, business, maintenance, or whatever it is and look for somebody that seems to also have a calling that is not diametrically opposed to it. For example, a woman who feels strongly called and has many signs of affirmation to full-time mission work in Myanmar should strongly consider whether or not she should reciprocate interest in a man who is going to teach at a school in South Dakota. There are things like that that are real issues. However as my friend said, "You can't look for one specific thing in a person- you need to be able to say that you chill with the person just for fun with no inhibitions." Being able to simply relax and spend time with someone that will be an encouragement in the nurture and admonition of the Lord after a hard day at work is vital for a relationship to last through the inevitably hard and trying times. It is absolutely necessary to feel safe, not judged, and cared for by a significant other, because life is, more often than not, pretty hard. While by no means all-encompassing, my friend realized how incredible his girlfriend/now fiancée is because "We had the best conversations. I figured I could get down with doing that forever." How awesome is that.

What I do not want to say is that all types of criteria should be thrown out the window. There are certain criterion that are absolute essentials. Things like true and genuine love for the Gospel and specific calls into ministry are things that should never be overlooked- but the list of non-negotiables should be a very small list; because in all honesty, God knows what we need better than we do, and all we really know is whether or not we are spurred on to love and know Him better with this person than without him or her (sometimes even that is not an easy consideration). The rest is up to God.

That is what I see as the problem, but I don't have a knockdown solution- like I said, it's not black and white. However, here is one question that has immensely helped me better understand my own motives in why I "like" someone: "What about 'person x' do you actually love?" If you are drawing a blank as to real substantive answers as you try to answer this for yourself, I suggest that you really start to pray and attempt to discern if the relationship really does have staying power. Ignore external appearances. Ignore common interests. Those things will get old. They are fun and physical attraction is most definitely a very important thing, but even in normal friendships, common interests will indeed grow tiresome. So try this sometime! Ask this same question to your parents or other married couples that you respect and you will be amazed (with robust relationships) how deep good relationships actually go, and it may help you see things that you personally value for yourself a little more clearly.

I realize that I've oversimplified the pros and cons of "The List". It is possible that the things that attract you to someone else are attractions that God has put inside you to pare down your potential persons of interest. I'm attracted differently for different things than most of my guy friends are, and PRAISE GOD for that (less competition)! I believe that really is totally legit, but I just hope that you have engaged this topic and work through your own list and do your best to in all honesty find your interest in a person primarily for who they are, not what they do. It can be very difficult and confusing, but you will be much better off having addressed this rather than letting it lie latent and then finding out in the middle of a serious relationship that you really are only in it because you like the way you feel around him or her, because that is selfish.

Come on now, we all know that selfish couples don't last very long.

God is our hope... especially when it comes to dating and relationships.

.DSN.

P.S. For all those married people out there, I'd love for you to respond in the comment section with one thing that YOU love about your spouse! Same rules apply- excepting good looks and common interests, what do YOU love most about him or her?