I'm A Loser

“I will not boast in anything: no gifts, no power, no wisdom. But I will boast in Jesus Christ, His death and resurrection! Why should I gain from His reward? I cannot give an answer! But this I know with all my heart- His wounds have paid my ransom!”

This line is from a hymn and recently popularized Praise and Worship song called How Deep The Father’s Love For Us. I popped a CD into the CD player after trying to find something to do following cancelled plans with some friends. On the way out of the gym as I scoured anything resembling a coffee shop (in a city that is terribly lacking of such an establishment), I was blown away by this deep and life-altering line.

I am what you call an “emotional person”; and after listening to this song and singing my lungs out, I just started to cry right there at the stoplight waiting to turn left into the Starbucks plaza. I had a realization that I’m not sure that I’ve had before.

I’m a loser.

I do not mean this in a false-humility (hopefully) or self-deprecating type of way, but really. I am a loser. I am not “winning.” I really love myself. I work out, and then I praise myself for working hard and become happy that I’ve seemed to make some physical progress.

I worship my mind. If I hear a “deep” concept that I think that I can wrap my mind around, I get smug and arrogant. If I feel like I can successfully argue a hard philosophical or theological point, then I do the same thing. I love feeling intellectually superior over as many people that I can.

This is how much of a loser I am: I worship my “social progression.” I see where I came from as a 16-year-old jerk to “where I am now” after 3 years of education outside of being homeschooled for most of my grade-school education. I make the connection that because I used to feel very uncomfortable in large groups of people (especially groups that include a noticeable amount of females) and now I feel totally comfortable in any setting, I am of a higher quality than others who may not be “so socially gifted.”

Even if all of these things were true and I was a workout beast, intellectual giant, and a social guru, the problem remains: I feel miserable. Really, I feel miserable. Especially over the last week, I’ve felt hopeless, helpless, and very lacking in joy. How can this be? I’m a Christian right? Right. That’s the point. I’m a Christian, and have the same feelings and inclinations that I did when I wasn’t. What does this mean? It means that the effects of the soul-saving and spirit-securing Gospel of Jesus Christ has not been driven to the deepest recesses of my heart… yet.

I want to dispel the myth that once ‘you’ become a Christian ‘you’ have no doubts, fears, worries, or massive shortcomings. You do. Not only do your problems not go away, you become much more aware of the many problems that you have. The difference between a Gospel-believer and a non-Gospel-believer is not at all a mitigation of these problems, but is simply the presence of the Holy Spirit and the power of Christ’s resurrection in life to defeat sin and to possess the ability to dispense infinite amounts of grace and forgiveness to anyone who needs them.

After contemplating why I feel so miserable, I’ve realized how little I boast in my weakness, and how equally little I boast in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. I love to bask in all of the previously mentioned idiocies of mine, and think about how much “strength” I seem to have. However, when something happens, such as finding out that a very close friend has been abused in extremely damaging ways, my feeble framework of self-preservation falls flat on its face with no recovery plan or 6-step program for self-improvement. I have nothing to say or anything to offer to someone that has hurt in ways that I have never hurt like that.

When I am boasting in my weaknesses, the healing power of God shines through clearly; but when I am not boasting in my weaknesses but smugly relying on worthlessness, there is no vital, vibrant, or restoring power of the Gospel in my lifestyle which plays out in my attitude. Nobody can be encouraged by someone who is self-focused in such an others-neglectful way.

As one of my more favorite pastors has said, “You can’t lead anyone to Christ and the cross if you haven’t been there yourself!” I want my modus operandi to be one of constant confession of my sin to God and to everyone around me, for the purpose of exposing my sin so that if anyone sees anything good in me, they will know for sure that it has nothing to with me, but God who is working in me to both will and to do His good pleasure.

I’m a loser.

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me both was and is not in vain.

Deus Spes Nostra.