Dating and Relationships: Flirting For Fun Finishes In Farcical Failure

We all know flirts. Flirts have a certain distinctive stereotype; and unfortunately for them, it isn't positive. When I was in high school, I had little respect but a twisted admiration for one football player in particular who would always hang out with the most attractive girls at school, seeming to always have the cutest and popular one on his arm all the time. Thankfully, being a few years removed from that insanity, God has given a little more perspective so that I now no longer envy this guy; I see his ability to “get girls” is just a manifestation of his own insecurity. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The Oxford American Dictionary defines "flirting" in the following way: to behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone, but for amusement rather than with serious intentions.

Flirtation can take a few different forms. It may take the form of the too-interested guy or girl who gives a lot of superficial compliments and is just a little too touchy; this person may also make winsome and light-hearted jokes at the expense of the flirtee. While this kind of playful fun-making could be perceived as harmless, there is no intention for a meaningful relationship, and therefore these actions will inevitably lead to confusion and hurt for at least one of the parties involved. Overt flirting is a manifestation of insecurity, in that the flirter is attempting to lure the flirtee into letting down his or her emotional defenses and reciprocating similarly false affirmation.

Flirting can also manifest itself discreetly. When Person "X" (who I will refer to as "Pat") is aware of the dangers that false affection brings but still wants the attention and heightened self-esteem that flirting promises, "Pat" will make subtle and abnormally kind advances to evoke these warmly uncommitted feelings in an attempt to satisfy that desire. In many Christian circles, this form of flirting is more common and harder to spot. Having grown up in mainstream Christian culture and thusly kissing dating goodbye, I am aware that the popular teaching forbids casually romantic relationships. To circumvent this stipulation, Christian flirting often takes the turn of a tactful and covert operation by avoiding the superficial compliments and engaging on a deeper/more emotional or even spiritual level, but still, covert flirting is just as deceptive and hurtful.

So here's the problem: Flirting/false displays of affection does two things: 1) It lies to the one who is being flirted with by giving them an impression of interest that, while possibly present, will not be followed up on in any responsible way. This attitude is dishonest and disrespectful towards others; nobody who is flirted with and left out to dry comes away from the experience saying, "I'm glad that just happened to me." 2) The second but fundamental aspect of flirting reveals a heart that is looking for something other than Jesus to make it happy. It is so hard not to flirt with someone of whom you are desirous of his or her affection and approval, and the reason for this is because our hearts are wicked and sinful. It's too easy to look for the quick fix. For those who are good at flirting and are thereby skilled at getting his or her desired response (getting that girl or having that guy) unfortunately means that it takes less work for them to be satisfied with that which is other than Jesus. 

What is interesting to me is that the healthiest relationships I have observed (ones that lead to and continue in marriage) are not make-me-feel-good relationships. There is a seriousness that is unique to two people who genuinely love each other for who they are not what they provide. With that mutual love and self-sacrifice comes real joy; the typical high-school love story that says "I think you're cute and you think I'm cute... let's date" has been long forgotten.

An insatiable desire for attention from the opposite gender cannot be cured when you find "the one." The reason for this is because a heart that participates in deceptive, flirtatious behavior is a heart that believes that it needs more than what has already been provided through Christ's perfect life, death, and resurrection on our behalf. This is not merely a situational problem, it’s a heart sickness problem... as always.

If we understood the glorious truth of having everything provided for us in Christ and funneled every single decision through it, we would not see the need to flirt for fun. We would seek other's interests above our own and hold the emotional and spiritual lives of our brothers and sisters in a far higher regard. 

Without Him, no part of this solution is remotely possible. 

He is our hope.

.DSN.

Dating and Relationships: The List

Dating. Courting. Intentional Friendship. These words and phrases refer to an exclusive, more-than-friends type of interplay between two individuals. I do not plan on squabbling over superiority of terms here, and I personally have no preference for any them myself. However, what I do see is that this is one of the hottest conversation topics for most people from 15 (or younger)-married.

I believe that these issues of dating, relationships, marriage-talk, and the related subjects that are so widely discussed (especially in Christianity today) should be actively engaged in a way that does not spell out the singularly correct way to approach these things, because they are never black and white. There will always be those really strange situations that work and those really strange situations that end miserably; but in the end, all of them must be considered and worked through on their own merits.

God takes marriage incredibly seriously. The lens through which we see these crucially important issues must be colored with the Gospel, the promulgation of the glory of God, and good solid experiential wisdom. What I intend to do in this post and others is to share what is on my mind and heart concerning appropriate ways to pursue dating and relationships. Some posts may be focused a little bit more on the men, others on the women, but I hope that everyone can be challenged and encouraged no matter what topic in particular is engaged.

For this post, I wanted to share a few thoughts on the infamous and ubiquitous "List". Many of these thoughts came from a conversation with a good friend of mine who is currently engaged and sees these issues with great perspicuity, and I am sure they will be helpful for you as they have been for me.
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We all have experience with lists. Either we have had them, currently have them, or will have them at some point in the future. This list of which I speak is the one that outlines the things that are the most relevant to the quest for a partner. While I do recognize that the respective lists of males and females will be different, I would venture to say that most Christian lists look something like this, but with a few personal things thrown in as dictated by general changes in life circumstance and mood swings:

1. Loves Jesus, or Goes To Church, or Seems To Have Knowledge of God
2. Physically Attractive (this one can't be first, because we all know that's shallow...... riiiiiiiight)
3. Shared Life Goals
4. Shared Common Interest: Music, Athletics, Art, Hobbies
5. Funny (some value this more than others)

Here's the question: have you ever met anyone that totally satisfies your list?

It sounds/feels/looks great when you find the guy/girl of your dreams based on these lists, but think about it this way- what would happen if you found out that a person you really enjoy being with and are interested in really likes you, but not because they enjoy just hanging out and talking, but because you simply fit their list?

If you consider the implications of that statement, you very well might feel like something is off. I propose to you that your feeling of off-ness is justified. If potential-spouse evaluation is based on an arbitrary list of criteria, the person who fits/does not fit the criteria seems to be more of a subject in a scientific test rather than a living, breathing, dynamic individual that has thoughts, feelings, emotions, and a life of their own. 

If you base your interests purely on whether or not someone meets the standard, you are looking for a product, not a person. I hope that the majority of relationships are not this way, but if someone tries to find their happiness in a product rather than a person, I have two things to say: 1) you are using them to get what you think you need for yourself, and 2) you will be sadly disappointed every single time. 

I understand that God prepares our paths and we need to answer His call to ministry, business, maintenance, or whatever it is and look for somebody that seems to also have a calling that is not diametrically opposed to it. For example, a woman who feels strongly called and has many signs of affirmation to full-time mission work in Myanmar should strongly consider whether or not she should reciprocate interest in a man who is going to teach at a school in South Dakota. There are things like that that are real issues. However as my friend said, "You can't look for one specific thing in a person- you need to be able to say that you chill with the person just for fun with no inhibitions." Being able to simply relax and spend time with someone that will be an encouragement in the nurture and admonition of the Lord after a hard day at work is vital for a relationship to last through the inevitably hard and trying times. It is absolutely necessary to feel safe, not judged, and cared for by a significant other, because life is, more often than not, pretty hard. While by no means all-encompassing, my friend realized how incredible his girlfriend/now fiancée is because "We had the best conversations. I figured I could get down with doing that forever." How awesome is that.

What I do not want to say is that all types of criteria should be thrown out the window. There are certain criterion that are absolute essentials. Things like true and genuine love for the Gospel and specific calls into ministry are things that should never be overlooked- but the list of non-negotiables should be a very small list; because in all honesty, God knows what we need better than we do, and all we really know is whether or not we are spurred on to love and know Him better with this person than without him or her (sometimes even that is not an easy consideration). The rest is up to God.

That is what I see as the problem, but I don't have a knockdown solution- like I said, it's not black and white. However, here is one question that has immensely helped me better understand my own motives in why I "like" someone: "What about 'person x' do you actually love?" If you are drawing a blank as to real substantive answers as you try to answer this for yourself, I suggest that you really start to pray and attempt to discern if the relationship really does have staying power. Ignore external appearances. Ignore common interests. Those things will get old. They are fun and physical attraction is most definitely a very important thing, but even in normal friendships, common interests will indeed grow tiresome. So try this sometime! Ask this same question to your parents or other married couples that you respect and you will be amazed (with robust relationships) how deep good relationships actually go, and it may help you see things that you personally value for yourself a little more clearly.

I realize that I've oversimplified the pros and cons of "The List". It is possible that the things that attract you to someone else are attractions that God has put inside you to pare down your potential persons of interest. I'm attracted differently for different things than most of my guy friends are, and PRAISE GOD for that (less competition)! I believe that really is totally legit, but I just hope that you have engaged this topic and work through your own list and do your best to in all honesty find your interest in a person primarily for who they are, not what they do. It can be very difficult and confusing, but you will be much better off having addressed this rather than letting it lie latent and then finding out in the middle of a serious relationship that you really are only in it because you like the way you feel around him or her, because that is selfish.

Come on now, we all know that selfish couples don't last very long.

God is our hope... especially when it comes to dating and relationships.

.DSN.

P.S. For all those married people out there, I'd love for you to respond in the comment section with one thing that YOU love about your spouse! Same rules apply- excepting good looks and common interests, what do YOU love most about him or her?